What. The. Fuck.

Here's a cool rant. My father is a fucking idiot. He has NEVER been in my life. Scratch the maybe 6 or 8 fucking months he decided he would 'change and be there for us and be better.' Yeah, right. My sister has a different father than me and my older brother. Her father is actually in her life. He is an amazing father, as much as he can be from long-distance, and it's lovely.

I, however, grew up without a father. My father figure was my older brother, which I think at times was hard for him because he is human, he was a teenager, he was going to make mistakes. But in general, it was okay. I seem to have grown up mostly fine....I say mostly because I have some issues, though they do not surround my fatherless childhood.

I got presents at christmas when I was very young, but nothing more. He never paid my mother child support for either of us. My mom was pretty much stuck. This one year, one fucking year, when my older brother was getting older and I was getting older, that he thought we wouldn`t get it if he tried to `be a father` now. The sad thing is, I was only 12. So I was young enough to not quite get it, yet deep down understand not to hold hope because this shit wouldn`t last.

He started trying to contact us. We MSN`d like everyday for about four months. He became a part of our lives, in a way. We didn`t share too much, but there was no mistake that I now knew my fathers name and his family`s names and just in general, knew who this mysterious character is. He decided to tell my brother and I that he had booked a flight for us to visit that summer, all the way to alberta from nova scotia. We had no choice but to say yes.

My brother was busy the first half of the summer, but I was not. I went for the entire length of summer, and he went for the last half. I can remember perfectly packing my bags, unsure of anything, and thinking, `am I finally going to get my father back?' I was so innocent and had no idea that really, this was just his attempt to say he did so.

Halfway into the summer I was having so much fun, and my brother came up. The other half flew by. We had a lot of fun, and things seemed to be getting better yet weird. Our father was now someone we cared about. Whether we wanted it or not. I actually slept in his bed with him stroking my hair as I fell asleep my last night there, because I was sad to leave him. I cried. CRIED. Because I finally got my daddy, and now he was gone again.

After we were home and school started again, nothing was changing. I was keeping my little flame of hope lit, just enough for me to see but no one else to call me out on. My first experiences with showing a hard shell but being soft on the inside.

After maybe two months, contact was decreasing. A few months later, a phone call and card for christmas, and ta-daa! Contact gone. Dead. Like Houdini, my father had disappeared again.

Except, we had him added on facebook, and he tries to post us something on holidays as if he still cares. His new family is his by choice family. We're just something he has on his conscience, wanting to feel like it's okay not to be guilty. I will never let myself think otherwise, because when I did, he was gone again.

What I hate most, is that under his family, my step-brother is listed as his son. He isn't my fathers son. And my fathers real son, my brother. Not listed at all. Neither am I, but I could live without a father. I have been fine. My brother...I think it's hard for him yet not. He has forever, but knowing that he has more memories, sucks. At the same time, he knows his little sister will always look up to him as her father figure.

And my 'real' father, has the fucking nerve to try and post on my brothers wall to say "happy birthday, hope it is great, love dad." Nice fucking try, prick. You are no father, you never have been and never will be. Don't make your stupid excuses and expect us to 'love' you. I don't care what your reasons were for leaving. I don't care how far away you are. I care that my entire life, you never BOTHERED to mail or pick up a phone. And you are so fake now. You say come visit again, I say, try calling me and asking how old I am first. I bet you don't even fucking care.

Don't pretend you want to love us, because we know better. We know that we are of no importance to you. We know that you merely wish us to be off of your conscience, so you can live without that small teeny morsel of regret.

Go ahead, live. I don't want you. I hope you choke on a fucking big mac, or something to that effect.

Tomorrow, I will be eating dinner with my REAL father, my big brother, celebrating his 21st birthday, and loving every minute of it.

Girls VS. Guys.

So, here are my thoughts today. Have you wondered if guys really do care whether or not they look good? Like, I'm sure guys pick out clothes they want to wear and think about their hairstyle and stuff, but when it doesn't work out or the outfit doesn't look all that good, do they care? Do they start all over and try again, or do they say screw it and just go about their day like nothing happened? When going out for a date, do they sit in front of their closets forever trying to find something suitable to wear? Probably not, they probably only have one or two good date outfits, so they know what they are wearing and don't need to worry. Guys don't need to wear makeup, so they definitely don't need to worry about matching their colors and how to look good without putting too much on...They don't really need to worry about their hair, but sometimes they do anyway. Zits really don't matter as much on guys, but I guess guys must care and do something about them, right? Guys don't need to shave, except their faces. Well, not even then...But I dislike guys with facial hair so there ya go...Brushing their teeth sure but EVERYONE should worry about that.

GIRLS, on the other hand.....We constantly worry about our clothes, hair, makeup, accessories, purses, SHOES, zits, shaving, plucking and reshaping eyebrows, nails, toenails, feet in general because ew and we want our hot shoes to not make our feet look like crap. We will sit in front of our closets for AGES trying to find something to wear, we try many different things on...On date nights we have clothing crisis' that get resolved, and then, we do the same things again in front of the mirror. Is our hair okay? Can I fix it? Is it doomed? How do I make it look like this? Is our makeup okay? Should I change it, does it go? Should I try again? Should I wear makeup at all? Do I need to pluck my eyebrows? Is my skin clear and smooth? Are my teeth white enough should I whiten them? Like, we do SO MUCH, and mostly it's because society expects us to, and guys find us more attractive if we do these things.

It is very taxing on our energy supply to try to look perfect all the time. So if some days your best friend/girlfriend/random hot girl at your school comes in wearing sweatpants, hair up, no makeup, hoodie, sneakers, DO NOT ask her why she doesn't look as good as other days. There are only a few reasons:They woke up late, They didn't feel like it, Their outfit of choice didn't work out, Laundry day, or they feel like shit. And trust me, asking us only leads to us feeling bad and trying harder. Don't do that to us. There are some girls who don't care as much, which is refreshing. Personality should ALWAYS win out over appearances, because if you look at a girl one day out of say 50 and think she is unattractive therefore you won't go for it, you could be missing out on one of the best girls you will ever meet.

Us girls, we are way more than meets the eye. It is true to say guys can be as well, but usually we can tell by the clothes a guy wears what he is like. Girls switch it out so often, wearing so many different styles, that it's near impossible to know who we are. Hell, most of the time we don't even know who we are.

Life is more about creating ourselves, and us girls tend to do a lot of creating. :P

One good thing about girls is we care more about our friends' well-being than our own. We would stay up all night helping a friend in need and not even think twice, but when it comes to ourselves...We can let ourselves go unnoticed because we would rather help someone else. It's the fact that when girls form a bond, they automatically would do anything for that person. We can have as many BFFS as we want, and our sisters become our friends as we grow older. We start to realize all the important things in life as we get older and fighting with our siblings no longer takes as big a hold as it used to.

But when a girl says "I'm fine." Maybe you should dig deeper. Guys actually mean those words, most of the time. Girls? 90% need a hug when they say that.

So even if we don't tell you whats wrong, hug us. Hugs make us happy and can help us feel better without us needing to spill our souls out.

So, girls VS. guys, I vote girls. We do so much every day, and keep on doing it, plus....We are the ones who go through childbirth and keep guys on the planet. :P

Rules of the universe...?

Okay, let's pretend for a minute that God does exist. Now, let's pretend that half of the bible is complete bullshit, and all the big 'no-nos' are just God's way of testing humanity for how fully they would follow him...God is fucking smart, eh? Not only that but, those people who rally against gays would both pass and fail. Pass for holding God and his book dear in their hearts, and fail for not following the verses that say to love others as you love yourself. Thinking you're better than someone else because of what a book says is not exactly smart.

Now, using logic in this lovely blog I'm going to say that every religion in the world has this same stuff. Half is good things that people should do, half are things that make no sense/are bullshit/are stupid. This is because each religion has been around for EVER, and each 'book' or whatever has been around for just as long. Personally, those are hints to me that God up in the sky is not at all what we imagine him/her to be. I think these book things are just old books on how humans live and how some act this way, others act that way. I mean, it's true isn't it? Some of us love others as we love ourselves, some hate others and feel better than others. Perhaps God in each of these books are just made-up people, who the humans who wrote them wished they were. I'm not exactly an expert on all this, but don't you think that if God existed, there wouldn't be half as much shit in the world as there is....

You can say, humans created this problems, the devil helped, blahblahblah. But no, because in the bible God can kick the Devils ass, so why wouldn't he now? If I was a God, I wouldn't let the world get THIS fucked up.

This makes me ask other questions. It is my belief that SOME type of God exists, but is not the sole controller of everything, and we as humans also turn the world certain ways. Also, the God up there isn't a particular being, perhaps, but more of a whole like air or something, just floating everywhere. We can pray to it, and through that get closer to our fate by trying to help make it happen, along with Karma, God, Fate, Chance, etc. Now here's the thing, if God like the normal christians believe in does exist and I am wrong, okay. Fine. But, if so, why does he have so many no-nos, when he is supposed to be all-loving. Why, would he send his creations to hell for being simply how he created them? Isn't it said in the bible that he loves all of his creations, children, etc. Does God listen to prayers/hopes only by those people he deems worthy/acceptable? Why? If he listens to everyone, why do a lot of people say their prayers aren't answered? Why, if he listens to everyone and loves everyone, are people still wandering around with nothing?

I pray sometimes, regardless of my belief, thinking well maybe it could happen and come true and maybe he exists. But, nothing has really miraculously happened. Ever. And even when I did believe, nothing happened. Ever. Perhaps it is because God does not listen to those who do not fully 100% believe. Maybe, he isn't listening because I'm Bisexual. Maybe, he doesn't listen because I plan to marry a girl. Perhaps because he simply is too busy with more important things. Perhaps because the person I pray for most often, is the girl who I am in love with...Most likely, because God does not exist at all.

In this case, we all are essentially the creators of our own worlds, and choose our paths in life. We cannot control others, this is true, but we can control ourselves. How we act, how we react, how we treat others, how we treat ourselves.
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If I was the ruler of the universe, there'd be some pretty good rules.

RULES OF THE UNIVERSE (If I were God):
1. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Or I may send lightning your way.
2. Though you may not like another person, or full out hate them, that doesn't mean they won't get a place in heaven. Unless they are people who have no capability to love and do horrible things.
3. Twilight is banned.
4. If you can't work it out yourselves, don't expect me to fix the worlds problems.
5. Cookies for all who are kind.
6. Gays are effin awesome, if you don't think so, you probably won't get into heaven. Sorry.
7. If I made you, I will love you. That doesn't mean if you are a complete idiot and hateful, I will not love you less. I will favor some children...Sorry.
8. You are human, make mistakes.
9. Just apologize for REALLY bad ones.
10. Don't dwell on sadness or the past. Come on, people, the future is more important.
11. Shooting stars are worth 1000 points.
12. Money means nothing.
Maybe others, but right now I'm too lazy. . . . .

If you were ruler of the universe, what rules would you make?

TWLOHAD♥

♥Love is the movement♥

Thank you to everyone who participated, and this is my contribution. Had it keep it small for work but it means more to me than many people can know. Remember that someone out there loves you, it gets better, there is always hope, and rescue is possible. ♥

To Write Love On Her Arms

I got bored today and decided to look up love images on google. I found some really pretty ones. Then I thought of TWLOHA-To Write Love On Her Arms, a non-profit organization for self-harm awareness, mostly for teen girls. I decided to look up 'TWLOHA images' on google.

I could never have prepared myself to see that many images of people's arms with love written on it for TWLOHA Day... Add that to the amount of websites the logo was on, people drawing the logo, photography done for the organization, and people who just showed their support...

I immediately burst into tears of joy.

It touched my heart in ways I cannot even say... It gives me so much hope that out there are people who care, about everyone, no matter their problems. Big, small, whatever...People care. I am joining in, to show my support. Friday, November the 12th-13th it is TWLOHA day. I'm writing it big, bold, and beautiful.

After-all, I've been there too. I have the marks to show it. I am proud to say those days are over for me.

Rescue is possible, I've found happiness. So can anyone else who just chooses to look for it. So can YOU. Please, show support and particpate in To Write Love On Her Arms Day.

Love is the movement.

~Me~
<3

20 random facts about me.

1. I am a leo.
2. I am a brunette.
3. I am only 17, when most people my age are 18. My birthday is in the summer.
4. I love music.
5. I love tea, as well as coffee.
6. I am Canadian, and sometimes too much. I say 'eh?' a lot, and my sister thinks I need to stop.
7. I like almost any kind of music there is...Almost.
8. Froot loops are one of my addictions.
9. So are fuzzy peaches.
10. I use internet smilies far too much...
11. I love tigger.
12. I sometimes feel like I am not good enough, and need someone to reassure me.
13. I used to not eat breakfast or lunch very often, so now when I eat breakfast too soon after waking up I feel sick.
14. Exams and I have a mutual hate relationship. I don't test well.
15. I like Tinkerbell.
16. And Beauty & the Beast.
17. And most disney movies.
18. I cannot take naps unless I am fall on the floor and die tired, or unless I am cuddling with someone and close my eyes...
19. I get nightmares when emotionally distressed.
20. I do not believe in god, but I do not believe there is no god. Rant blog later for that.... :P

Storytime children!

Hello people who actually still read my blog. I figure thats about 0! YAY ME! I am gonna keep on blogging anymore. This is more for me than anyone else really.

Today we're going to talk about the POWER behind WORDS. Ever find yourself in a perfect mood, until someone says one little thing? Ever wonder why your entire self-esteem could be shattered by a mere few people in your past? Well I figure it is because words are some of the most powerful things in the entire universe. I mean, we have them for a reason do we not? Words exist for us to use them. And in some cases, words are there for us to make other people feel like shit. Some words I am at a loss for any ability to understand why they exist. I mean, if you have more than three words to say one evil thing about someone, that is sad. No one should have to be put through that. And yet, I find myself saying horrible things about people daily. I am such a hypocrite.

Continuing on, through most of my life I have been the kid that people picked on. I have been called so many names I am not sure I could even count. And it's weird because I could have been so happy, but one person would come up to me and say something and POOF, I hated life that day. No matter what good things happened, that ONE thing would make me so sad. And even if the rest of my day was amazing, I still felt like crap.

I have been called things that as a kid, I thought that when I got older I could change. I tried. I really did. I got more friends like me, I worked to fit in with them, I tried everything. But still, people persisted.And tehn it got to junior high where everyone learns everything about ruining other's lives. And again, I was a target. You think I'd have learned by then not to talk to people who made me feel like crap. But hey, I was young and naive. I got to grade 9 with a broken heart, trust issues, a newly changed definition of friendship, happiness, and even love. By the time I was in grade 10, I had become the ultimate professional at hiding my feelings.

Words can completely destroy anyone if you work hard enough at it.

You know that saying, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but words could never hurt me'? IT LIES. It is wrong. Words may not break bones, but words break hearts. Now that I am a bit more grown up, I have realized there will always be someone saying SOMETHING about you. You just gotta learn to let it go. And if not, you are going to be in for a lifetime of hurt.

I have found a new way to get past it all. I say, hey, if someone's life is so PATHETIC that they have to make fun of you, they obviously aren't worth your time or energy to hate. I don't hate people. I think it is SO much energy to go into negativity it's not even funny. Energy should be put into positive things. Like cupcakes. :) Mm, cupcakes. I must add that to the list. And on that note, storytime is over!

Just Me.