Sometimes thinking just makes my brain cry and me feel the need to type.

Time for another rant. The first thing I am going to say is that I have a loverly cold (loverly being used sarcastically, of course) and headache, and my eyes are bothering me today. I have some crazy eye disorder called Iritis. It basically makes my eyes light sensitive WAY more than normal. I don't want to get into details so if you'd like to know more Wikipedia has a whole accurate entry on it. But if this blog is jumping around a lot, than it's just because my brain is foggy and I have cold pills in my system.

What's the topic of this rant? I can give you the answer in one word. Friendship. This rant is going to be long, unless I stop thinking of words to describe my feelings on this topic. Let's just say I've had quite a few bad eggs in my life.

I'm honestly not sure if I have a real concept or main idea of what friendship is anymore. I've heard a lot of people say friendship is knowing that if you needed anything, they'd be there. Or how often you see each other outside of school. My global history teacher last semester said you know someone is your friend by how much they'd be willing to do to help you. Like, say I got kicked out of my house. His point was that my real friends would be the ones asking me if I would stay with them. Or if I needed a shoulder to cry on, my real friends would be there. I half agree with that. Friends are the people you know you can count on,If I needed an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, they'd try to help. But half of the people I consider my 'friends' honestly I don't think would take the time to listen to my problems. Either that or in their head they'd be thinking of how much I whine about things that are stupid. Other people have worse problems than I do, etc.

My old friendships, excluding one from elementary, never lasted. If I were to think back to old best friends whom I used to think I couldn't live without, I could probably list at least five. But somehow, as you have fights or as you grow older, you go your separate ways. For me, it was mostly because either they back stabbed me, I made them angry and never really got a chance to fix it before they were gone, or they just moved away never talking to me again until it was too late. In grade 7, I made new friends, but by this point I was mostly just waiting for them all to fall apart. Sometimes I catch myself still in the train of thought that certain friends don't actually even like me.

Miraculously, I still speak to my friends from junior high. Or, at least, some of them. Not often, but I do still speak to them. And not on bad terms, which I somehow find awesome. But back to my rant. I think friendship is all mostly about give and take. If someone is your friend and needs you, you are there for them. One day, they will return the favour. And if they don't return the favour, they're not exactly your friend. I have a lot of trust issues because when I was young I used to trust any friend I had with everything in my life. Everything. If my mom and brother had been fighting like usual, my friends knew. If my sister had made me want to go bang my head against a wall, my friends knew. If my mom had made me feel bad because of a mistake I made due to clumsiness, my friends knew. It was with this knowledge that most of my friendships fell apart.

Either my 'best friend' at the time told too many people my secrets and made me become a loner for a period of time, or they thought I was just whining and told everyone I was a baby. Either way, I learned not to get too close or tell people too many things. Junior high in my brain is full of probably the worst memories I can have from when I was younger. In junior high I decided that trust would go to only those who never gave me a reason to distrust them. And whoever didn't spread rumors about me or make fun of me. This happened a lot as kid for me. So in junior high I made new friends and had some fun times.

I think it was my grade 8 year that was the worst. I had finally begun to open up, realizing that my friends were here to stay, and feeling like maybe opening up was the smartest choice here. I had just gotten back from my first time(and my last) seeing my dad that I can remember. My mother and I by this point fought almost everyday, and then if we weren't fighting my brother was fighting with her. Basically, my house began to be a war zone. I told my friends everything. They listened intently, and told me how they thought I could help. Eventually I began to feel better and reach out more. Becoming a bit more like I am now, more outgoing. As I made more friends who seemed to genuinely like me, I became more fun. I got a boyfriend whom I trusted with everything I had. You know what it's like in junior high and you find love for the first time. I thought this would last forever.

Some friends of mine back stabbed me shortly after, not such a big surprise. I seemingly got over it and didn't care; inside, I was back to my guarded untrusting self. My list of people I trusted narrowed down quite a bit. The next big thing that happened, I got news that my boyfriend had been cheating on me. We broke up for about a week. During that week we talked a lot about things, and why he cheated on me. He had admitted that he had cheated twice. I felt my brick walls build right back up leaving me where I was at the beginning of all this. Somehow, I forgave him and took him back. This was the third chance I'd given him. The first time we broke up was because I got annoyed and it only lasted like a day. Anyway, long story short, we went back to being a happy couple and I let him back in. Happy ending? No. He shattered my trust yet again, by (no surprise) cheating on me. We broke up for good, and he moved away. Leaving me without a real chance to get over him. All I know is that for some reason, it's easier to get over someone when you have to push through seeing them everyday. My house was returned to it's war zone state, with me and my mother fighting over the smallest things that I didn't like even leaving my room. Grade 9 for me is what I call my 'dark ages'. I was truly in a hole that I let hardly anyone see into. Some of my 'best friends' from back then would claim they knew everything, but they only knew what I let them know. Trust for me was a concept I could only ever dream of being a part of again.

Now, high school is better. I have a lot of so called friends, and amazingly, about three people I trust one-hundred percent, and the rest are pretty close to being at ninety percent. Basically, the point of this rant was what is friendship anyway? I want to know why people often back stab their friends, or act two-faced. I want to know why honesty and loyalty seems like such a bad thing. Because personally, I could use some honest and loyal people. I have a few, but for me, most of the friends I have are only acquaintances. Not to mention I don't let them get past that point. I am trying my best to get better with this trust thing, but I really just don't see a point. Everyday I try to open up more. And I sometimes half succeed. I guess my main concept of friendship, if I even can claim this as a definition of the word, is if anyone has seen me really cry or if I've trusted them with a secret, no matter how hard it was for me to tell them, they are my friend.

Although, it's not all bad. Friends are people you can be your complete self around, and that feeling is amazing. :) I have found someone who managed to break down my walls in as little time as seven days, and honestly, this gives me hope. Maybe someday soon I can let those walls down and show people who I truly am. For now, I am stuck ranting on the internet. For some reason, it's so much easier than in real life.

Until next time,
ME! :)